A bundle of fear
when under all the rubble, you find neatly knotted what you feared most.
Therapy helps you sort and clear.
It’s been a hell of a job, if I may say so.
The ugliest of traits were put into the spotlight.
Not to shame, but to relieve them of their duties.
I thought I was doing a great job.
Intellectually I understood all the reasons trauma had caused such havoc.
A havoc born for my survival.
Forming most ingenious pathways through the pain.
Colgate smiles to hide behind.
And humor to soak into when it was all too much.
It comforted me.
Held me.
Moved me along.
What I never realized is how the rumble in the undercurrents didn’t erode smoothly.
It gathered instead.
Out of sight.
Out of mind even.
A little while back it hit me. The lump was suddenly visible. Tangible even.
Suddenly I knew what it was: fear
It wasn’t a fear, no it was hundreds if not thousands of them, sticking together. Growing in numbers. Holding me hostage. For God knows how long.
I see it now.
I know where it resides.
It’s the reason I’m still somewhat stuck.
It is time to excavate this bundle of fear and see what’s it is trying to tell me.
It is time to listen carefully.
As I relieve them of their duty.
Their good intentions kept me safe for, oh so long.
I wonder… what will life be like, once I let some of them go?
