Procrastinate and hide

is what I do some days.

Some days, like today, I procrastinate and hide.

I’m not proud of it, but it happens. I get taken over and paralyzed. I’ve been told it’s a natural trauma response that kicks in when I feel overwhelmed or when (like now) my body is recovering from another deep tissue massage. It causes things to 'move’ around. It unsettles my system so that it can settle into new ways.

This takes time, energy and effort, so in the meantime some systems shut down for a while. That’s when procrastination sets in, closely followed by my deep desire to hide away from people. It never lasts for more than a couple of days, but the reset is needed to ignite me into the next phase of whatever is awaiting.

Today I’m in that state of mind and I’m curious about what will come next.

Worries about what kind of job would suit me, where I’m going to be living and how I’ll even afford a life of my own, constantly cross my mind. At fifty one, these aren’t small worries to have, but I try not to dwell on them too much because when I do, I tend to enter a ‘freeze’ state that’s even harder to thaw out.

And so, today is about ‘letting be’, allowing room for expansion into different parts of myself and resting.

This last one is a huge challenge. Because although procrastination comes over as not doing much, it is definitely not a ‘resting mode’ for me. It throws me into all sorts of brainless activities that want to numb out the explosive thought process. But the looping process I get sucked into is exhausting.

Meditation and even a short nap were part of my rest routine today. I made a conscious effort to do these without letting my guilt or shame pass judgement. (Guilt because the rest of the world is working or doing stuff and shame for actually taking the time and needing it.)

It helps though… to actually allow yourself to have these feelings, moments or days. It makes life that little bit more comfortable. And tomorrow I will take part in the outside world again.

I’m slowly realizing that it’s not selfish or egocentric, but healthy and healing to allow this practice.

I have learnt that it is not on these days that I need to look for a job or start a new project.

These days are meant for musing and igniting - slowly and with grace.

These days will be the origins of what comes next - in hindsight.

These days are the being days, not the doing days.

These days are what my future dreams are made of, where inspiration is born and enthusiasm thrives.

These days are my recuperation days.

These days heal.

These days are my new Me-Days.