Who are we?

in a world where what we do defines us.

This is my recurrent existential question of the decade.

Who are we, in a world where what we do defines us.

Just to be clear, there is nothing wrong with doing. But by doing, what we often mean is the kind of work we do for pay, because a lot of the ‘free’ doing that we do doesn’t really count as ‘doing’ at all.

I’ve been recovering from a significant burn-out these past few years and the other day I had an appointment with the person in charge of ‘how I’m doing, so that I can start working again asap’. This woman, a doctor (as far as I know) asked me some impertinent questions. There’s a strange imbalance of power when someone has an unbeknown large amount of personal information about you on their computer screen, whilst you’ve barely been introduced. Add to that the fear of not knowing what they may confront you with out of the blue, and you’re set for a whole array of mental distress from just one conversation.

She asked me what I had done before I started working as a freelancer ten years ago. I answered that I had mothered. I left out the part about having done most of that on my own after my divorce, in case she’d think I was trying to ‘play the victim’. Ruthlessly she fired: ‘I mean work, what kind of work did you do?’

My mouth silently dropped. I answered that there had been nothing else except for a few odd student jobs way back when I was younger. With disapproval on her face she continued typing away firing her other questions at me.

I checked out.

That evening I was reading in bed and suddenly felt seen and heard in Saima Mir’s writing:

“And those of us who are stay-at-home mothers have another layer of disrespect heaped on us. Because motherhood is unpaid, and unpaid work is not valued. What is a writer when she’s not been paid to write? There are moments when I feel as though all I’m doing is failing.”

Maternal Rage by Saima Mir, from The Best Most Awful Job - twenty writhers talk honestly about motherhood - edited by Katherine May.

Our society is wired in such a way that we’ve somehow turned this life into a career journey. Our soul purpose has become to provide and make sure we contribute to an ever-growing and expanding economy. (Without bothering to think if we actually need this ever increasing growth or the damage it is doing to our planet along the way.) There is no longer a distinction between life and the economy. It has become one and the same. We are all expected to DO the work and GO to work as soon as we can as a full-time commitment, no half work. We want men and women to (equally) contribute in order for our countries to be economically stable with enough purchasing power all-round.

Even if we wanted to opt out of this rat-race, we couldn’t because living your life without a substantial income means you’ll soon be catapulted into poverty. And so we’re all keeping the hamster wheel going at an unbearable pace. Our goals revolve around working more, making promotion, getting more income and continually finding ways to thrive as working people. Do, do, do and keep doing. That is where our value lies. But to what end?

And how happy are we about doing this lifelong career?

As we navigate in a world where mental health issues are becoming more and more common, I can’t help but wonder if maybe we’ve got this whole being born to make career all wrong.

Children are growing up in broken homes more often than not. Single parents (mostly mothers) struggle to make ends meet after a divorce or separation. We spend so much of our time at work that we have little to none left to spend at home with loved ones. We invest in real estate and stocks but not in family bonds. It’s become nearly impossible for a parent to be at home, caring and present to play a part in their children’s childhood years. We have been indoctrinated into believing that life is all about what we do for a living, not who we are.

By the way, there is nothing wrong with doing, being productive, growing or enjoying what you do and wanting to do more of that. It motivates us into many areas of life where we may find expansion of our being. It is a wonderful thing.

But like anything, it needs a healthy balance.

Making this ‘doing for pay’ our sole purpose in life, can’t be right. There is so much more to life.

We do to earn our right to live.

No one should have to earn that right. We already have a birthright, the moment we are born, we have the right to live. We are allowed to be alive. To just be.

That we’re a creative species that longs to grow and evolve is a wonderful thing. I love that about humans. We have an innately deep longing to learn. Our souls are infinitely able to expand but we’re losing touch with who we are as human beings.

We’re un-connecting from each other, convinced that we can fend for ourselves. And in that disconnection we are feeling the grief of loneliness. The frustration of exhaustion and the disappointment of self sacrifice. This only makes us dive into our careers even more because we’ve been told that’s where we’ll find our worth.

But we don’t.

We just dig a little deeper into the darkness of un-belonging. Where unhealthy habits roam and loneliness reigns. Because what we do is not fulfilling us on a soul level. We must make a conscious effort to step out into the light of being in order to connect with others. A change is needed in what we expect out of life. An awakening of sorts, to what else we are if not our jobs.

I know this short piece of writing doesn’t cover all the in’s and out’s of what I’m trying to say about this topic. There are many, many things left unsaid and undiscussed. But at times it’s just the seed that needs the planting. This is one of those times.

Let’s plant the seeds of change and see what happens.

PS. I know that we may not all see the world the way I see it and that’s okay. Planting all sorts of seeds will be much better than only one of a kind.