Rubbing out the knots

the moments in life that bundled up to remind me of things I'd rather forget.

We forget, don’t we? That our body isn’t trying to be mean or rigid, it’s just trying to be heard. The more we refuse to listen, the more it lets us know that something needs to change.

Two years ago I crashed - mentally there was nothing left of me, all I could see was a dull grayness that seemed to engulf me. There was no point to anything anymore. It’s not that I wanted to die, but I just saw no point in living. I hit rock bottom and after the fall my, once insignificant, aches and pains became unbearable!

My mind and body were exhausted - so much so, that two years on I still struggle to replenish my energy levels when things get too busy or hard.

Yesterday I treated myself to a deep tissue massage. You see, I have this nagging knot in my upper back that needs attention. My masseuse told me that the knot is trying to tell me something and that I need to take the time to ask it what it’s trying to say.

During the massage it became clear that the knot in my back is not the only one around. My neck, shoulders, upper back, hips, legs and arms are all very ‘tight’ and ‘sore’. My entire body is stiff, rigid and not very flexible at the moment.

I felt ashamed when she told me, embarrassed even - after all, I’ve been doing so much work on myself for the past two years, so why is my body still giving off these signs? Straight away she noticed my flinch of self criticism and gently told me that it was all going to be okay; that our bodies are wonderful self healers and that all I need to do is to connect with mine, ask it questions and the answers will come.

She helped me feel safe instead of silly.

I then realized that feeling safe is something that was not particularly possible in my childhood. I struggle with it because of how and where I grew up. This part I’m not yet ready to share, so please forgive me for sounding rather vague…

So back to the knots…. they are there for a reason. They have something to tell me. But what?

Will I listen?

Will I understand their message?

Will I be able to make the changes in order for them to dissolve and disappear?

First I need to find a way to speak to them, ask them what pains they carry and how I can help relieve them. (Goodness, is that even possible? - I think to myself.)

After getting home from the massage and preparing myself a healthy meal, I slept a twelve hour night and spent today in my own company to try to figure this out. Not sure where to start, or even how to tackle this - obviously I want to do this the right way… so after a long think and some tearful moments I decided to be more considerate of my body and all it does for me. And so, I committed to making a few much needed changes and summed them up in a list…

From now I promise my body that I will:

• be grateful (for everything it does for me, every single day)

• speak kindly (instead of disgust and shame)

• tread gently (what is possible and respect the boundaries)

• listen with more curiosity (what are aches and pains trying to make clear?)

• treat it with love and care (good food, exercise, and affection)

I hope that instead of rubbing each other the wrong way, these promises will bring us closer together and we may learn to cohabitate and rub each other’s back more often.

PS. Please do share your insights or experiences on body pains in the comments - I’m curious to know more about them and understand their meaning.