Who to become at 51

and how to ensure that I'm on the right path this time.

Admittedly I’m a lot younger in this picture, but I’d love to re-ignite that joie de vivre that I used to have back then.

I was recently separated, had three small kids and was completely oblivious to all the difficulties life would throw at me in the future.

That’s where I am now, in the future that I didn’t anticipate. I’ve been divorced for as many years as we were together - eighteen years! I’ve gone through most of the stages that one goes through after a major heartbreak. I survived it and dared to love again, but it wasn’t meant to be, for good reason.

As my kids were growing up and becoming more independent I went from a stay at home mom, to a stay at home working mom. I started off by doing translation jobs, and some blog writing on the side. The blog posts landed me a proper - but unpaid - writing opportunity at a popular Dutch online news website, where I met some wonderful and empowering Dutch women that lived all over the globe. I grew so much in those days, and even dared to start up my own online website for people going through divorce situations. I wanted to help them and let them know that there was life after divorce! It took a while, but to this day people visit the website to find support and advice.

The website didn’t generate much of an income and I quickly realized that friends and family mainly thought of my venture as a ‘hobby’ - little did they know how much time, effort and hard work I put into it daily. But as it goes in this world, work is often only valued by what it pays. It was the same for the two books I co-wrote (royalties still go to charity) and the other website I co-created. None of these things generated an income to live off. Yet I spent years working my @ss off and putting in many hours of passionate devotion into these business ventures.

Right before I hit rock bottom, (aka my mental breakdown) I took on a part time job in customer service to help pay the bills. It wasn’t my thing at all and in hindsight I think it catapulted me into a burn out that had been lurking around since I left home at sixteen.

Fast forward to now.

I’m fifty one and trying to find out who I want to become!

What shall I do next? What can I do next? What kind of life suits the person I am today? And will it finally make me financially independent? I have all these questions tormenting around in my head, hoping to find a soothing prospect.

So many questions and so very few answers. Unsure where to start I went back to what I love most in life… writing (and reading). And so I embark on my midlife journey, hoping that the second half of my life brings more purpose, fulfillment and joy, as well as financial security, personal freedom and healthy choices.

To ensure I’m heading in the right direction I’m:

• making sure to listen to the voice within, the one nestled in my gut

• setting boundaries where needed

• leaving doors open to let in new people and ideas

• educating myself on as many subjects that interest me as possible

• giving myself enough time to rest

• meditating

• doing what I love most in the hope that it may lead me to where I’m supposed to be.

I’m guess what I’m trying to say (to myself) is that I’m embracing the fear of the unknown and trusting it will all work out in the end.